article, Personal, Uncategorized

Lost and Found

The time will come where sympathy from any of your friends or family cannot comfort you.

You will be lost.

Have you thought of burying yourself, lock up in your room or go far far away from the city and you want to be alone? Then people will start messaging you, like ‘hey!’ and million times.

You just cannot answer them. You just cannot give an exact explanation on why did you try to hide in the very corner of your room like a cave man.

I have a dream and I want to fulfill it yet I think like heaven did not want it. It was greed. It was envy. I greed hoping that I give the whole me to get what I want. It was not enough. Or maybe, I am not enough.

The thought of you reminds me that I suck for real. Your happiness concludes that I cannot be at my very best. I tried helping myself by bringing inner peace yet every time you pop up to my head I just feel that I am such a big loser. No, I have no grudge or bad feelings for you it is just that it reflects. The reflection I don’t want to see. the reflection I cannot ignore.

The thing is that, I want to give my everything because this is what I want. The times I want to impress came up to be a depression. As much as I aim high, there will be reasons that brings you down.

It was the most depressing idea. The time I want to enjoy it, it became toxic. It was like a rope that will hang you to death. I felt like I was crossing a tight rope. My friends drifted away. They became the ghosts I don’t want to see.

Depression is not easy.

People will misunderstand you. Thinking that a simple ‘okay’ is enough for you to smile. The comfort we need is hard to give. You may think we are on a suicidal stage but as much I want to live my life to the fullest, I try not to do it again.

And as much as I want to stay stronger, I want to be positive by not thinking of this all over again.

I want to live my dream without me dying in toxic.

I want to be found.

article, Falling In Love, Uncategorized

The Idea of Falling In Love

I have actually fallen in love in the idea of falling.

When I thought of the butterflies coming out of my stomach, it give me chills and all the thrills I want when I fall in love.

When I see you walking, coming closer to where I am, you let the time stop for a moment. A slow motion has happened. Everything becomes blurry, and you are the only thing that my eyes can see.

When you go near me, you talk to me. You fill the air with the things I cannot understand. You gaze right into my eye, I melt under your power. I stiff right before it does happen, and then I’ll see that you smirk.

I have fallen in love in the idea of falling.

Whenever I hear your voice, it will be the music to my ears. Those laughter I cannot contain. You can make a good voice message and send it to me everyday.

Ah, I cannot hide it myself.

The love I want to be with. The love that will rejoice. The love that will open a door.

Yet, profoundly, I am not in love for real but a confusion I made myself.

You were not the love I am looking for. It was a mistake from the very start. The thought of you coming in and out, making my heart pound was a confusion.

I was in love with the idea.

The real love have yet to come.

Because every time ‘the love’ I thought from the very start was not a drug but poisonous.

The time I thought that stops whenever you walk was a mere creation by fools like me. There is no significant to this. You walk by feet. You held your head up high. It was not me you are looking.

It was not me after all.

The love I am looking for became a toxic idea of fantasy.