Personal, poetry, Uncategorized


Lumipas na ang mga araw ng pagiisip

Sa kung paano ko ipapabatid sa iyo kung gaano ako naging masaya

Sa mga araw at gabi na kasama kita

Lumipas na ang mga araw ng pagiisip

Sa kung paano ko ihahatid sa iyo ang mga piraso ng mga alaala

Na siyang bumuo sa akin sa twina

Naging inspirasyon, lakas at pagtitika

Lumipas na ang mga araw ng pagiisip

At ngayon ay magtatapos na sa apat na taong pagugol

Sa pangarap na patuloy na inaabot

Bukas makalawa mawawala na rin

At bubuo ng bagong yugto kung saan ay wala ka

Dahil lilipas rin ang mga araw ng pagiisip

At maglaon ay hindi na ikaw ang tatakbo sa isipang ito.

article, Uncategorized

Why Would a Dead Girl Lie? (A review on 13 Reasons Why, Netflix series)

Why Would a Dead Girl Lie? (A review on 13 Reasons Why, Netflix series)


This is a review for the 13 Reasons Why, the Netflix series. It’s the first time I will make a review but first of all I have not read the book. *Spoiler Alert.


Why would a dead girl lie? Why would everyone says that Hannah lie? Why would not they believe her? Why do they keep telling themselves that she only seeks attention rather that telling the truth?

Hannah Baker, a 17-year old girl, took her own life and left series of tapes containing reasons or people who are to be blamed for her suicide. Theses tapes were passed onto these 13 persons who were mentioned, and the (not really the last) person to receive it was Clay Jensen, Hannah’s co-worker at Crestmont, the guy who loved her but was afraid to show it.

I really commend the series itself and how the narrations of present differs from the past. The changes of the color and the transition. How Dylan Minnette portrayed his character well like every normal student does and how Katherine Langford showed how this vibrant, beautiful girl can take her own life. How Tony became a good medium in the story. And of course, all of the characters played it well.

“I hope you’re ready, because I’m about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, why my life ended. And if you’re listening to these tapes, you’re one of the reasons why.”

The 13 Reasons Why has showed what a real high school scenario is (or even in college or elementary it happens). And Hannah Baker maybe just one of your classmates, or it may be you. It’s hard to tell who it is in the class but it is harder to point if we will never take an action on it.

Did you you watch it like how Alex listened to the tapes or like Clay because every episode is full of heavy emotions that I need to take a break before going to the next one. And yes, I did it like how Clay listened to the tapes. He sees Hannah every time he listened to it and it’s merely a play or pause button to end one’s hurting.

“A lot of you cared, just not enough.”

It was not only Hannah Baker. Clearly, it is not only her who has suicidal attempts. A lot of us thinks of this too. Even the characters in the series have shown signs but we ignored it, people in the series itself ignored it. There are lots of people who can be the cause of our death and one of it is bullying. How can we ruin one life because of this stupid list? Or taking shameful pictures of them? Are we trying to help them to be popular or are we just making their lives miserable? It’s misery. It’s shameful. It’s killing.

The series clearly showed the bullying, the violence and even the victim-blaming well. It was not only the past that shows Hannah’s reason of her suicide but also the present and how everyone deals with it. It’s really sad that everyone tried to ignore it. They were all blinded by their own truth. And this truth? They were too ashamed of it.

How could the school blame the victims for their own fault? Isn’t it the school, particularly the counselor, the one who should help the student in this very kind of situations? It was not only Hannah Baker whom Mr. Porter ignored but even Alex or Tyler. They even ignored the vandalism on the comfort rooms. How they repainted it and left it like there was nothing happened. I hate how they put themselves first before the girl who has just committed suicide because they have done nothing.

How could one ignore a friend because of jealousy? Because she thinks being a gay is a shit? Because she is haunted by her own fault? How could they left out a girl who needs a friend? Above all the three girls, who I hated the most is Courtney (well) because she went hiding behind Hannah and all these shameful acts had been thrown out to her. It is disgusting. How could she deny the fact about herself? Isn’t it what matters most is that she accepted her no matter what? Then, when everything’s out, she still denies herself and Hannah’s truth and corrupting others that all of these were her lie? How could she do that when Hannah gave her another chance for their friendship? She is one of today’s corrupt friend of yours and you have to get rid of that one.

Then Jessica? Sheri? They all ignore her because they cannot face their own truth.

“Betrayal. It’s one of the worst feelings.”

As for the boys, I really hate Marcus. How could you, I mean how could he, the school president be almighty and be blinded? How could he make such false accusations to Clay just to shut him down?  I cannot believe that he can do that. Zach Dempsey was a good guy but then he made himself a shit when he stole the only hope of Hannah, the complimentary messages. Look, it’s very saddening that the only thing which makes you happy and alive where robbed. And when Hannah started spoiling signs of suicidal attempt? He shut his mouth. All laughed like it was just a joke. No one took it seriously. No one. Tyler? Ryan? They used her for their own gain. Did they care? Not.

The one that disturbed me was Alex and how he, each day, reconcile his fault. He was the only one who thinks revealing the truth would set them free. I have noticed him. Day by day, he acts like he wanted to take his own life. Have you noticed that? The way he pinpointed Courtney, Marcus and the others hit them hard. He was a friend of Hannah, he admitted it and I saw how he regretted his actions.

Justin? I was asking myself, why Jessica have to tell everyone that Hannah was lying? Then in the end I was enlightened, Justin did not really tell about the ‘rape’ Bryce did to Jessica, instead cover it up. Justin sucks. But then as how he explained, I realized why he did that. First was to protect Jessica and second Bryce who opened his door when Justin needed a home. When his mother ignored her and let her boyfriend maltreated him. I felt him there. I felt how he was alone and how ended up being a shit.

“You don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can’t be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re messing with their entire life. Everything. . . affects everything.”

Clay? As for him? Hannah was grateful. He was a friend. He was different. But you see, there were times Clay ignored her. That he should have done something great but he was afraid. He never had courage say how he loved her. The time where Clay was confessing and Hannah replied something like ‘he should have done that when she was alive’ was heartbreaking. Regrets are always at the end. And I thought, if everyone of us has this courage to ask or say something nice to a person, we may have lifted her soul.

And Bryce? Yeah, I will never forget how he took Hannah’s soul. How he mistreated (all) the girls. He was a real asshole, you see. To think that he was a respected student in his school yet he sells drugs and even think rape is not rape because girls want it? Fuck his way of thinking and I am sorry for the word.

And oh! Before I forgot, there’s Tony. Tony was not mentioned on the tapes. I think he was a great medium in the story as I mentioned earlier. Without him, Clay would never go back to hearing the tapes again. Hannah, at the very least, found someone whom she can trust. But then, Tony was also afraid. He had the tapes. He had the chance to take this to her parents and show it to the police, but he was afraid. Thanks to Clay and his vision to seek for the truth to reveal, Tony had chosen the right thing to do, and it was finally to show it to Hannah’s parents.

I was thankful for Clay’s parents because they never ignored their child unlike Justin’s. They were eager to know how’s Clay doing. They are the kind of parents who trusts their child. I am wishing that somehow, we all have these kinds of parents. These parents who really cared, who never want us any harm, who never ignore us, and who uplifts us whenever we are down. That’s how parents should be and not one of the people who will drive us to take our own life.

The very disturbing and hurting part of the series was when Hannah is taking her own life. The moment she slit both of her wrists, blood coming out of her arms, letting herself drown into the tub, I stopped. I cannot take it. I cannot breathe for real. I was crying for pete’s sake the image is disturbing. I feel like I was also slitting my arms. The times I thought of drowning myself came back to my senses. I felt like Hannah was real and what she’s doing to her life is real. I cannot take it. I felt hurt. I felt like something was robbed from me. I never thought that taking your own life is fucking hard.

“Sometimes we have thoughts that even we don’t understand. Thoughts that aren’t even true—that aren’t really how we feel—but they’re running through our heads anyway because they’re interesting to think about.

If you could hear other people’s thoughts, you’d overhear things that are true as well as things that are completely random. And you wouldn’t know one from the other. It’d drive you insane. What’s true? What’s not? A million ideas, but what do they mean?”

It was really hard to open about this kind of violence. The rape, the bullying? It was really hard to open it to someone and this is why we all need a friend. We are afraid of our own words. We are afraid of our very own truth. We are wrapped by our own fear. We are frightened that if we speak up, it’s either we will be just be ignored or no justice will be done–and we fall down to just ‘move on’. And we cannot really move on. No comfort or stupid lies can make us alive. We think that lies can heal the wounds but not.

Did we notice her facebook status or twitter posts or her drawings? Did we see the signs of suicidal attempt? Did we or did we just ignore another friend who needs help? I wish that not all of us are the likes of Courtney who feeds herself and everyone that these are all lies and just for attentions, or the likes of Tyler who have witnessed everything yet do nothing. I hope everyone would be just Clay.

13 Reasons Why is a very eye opener to all of us.

article, Uncategorized

Papel at Pluma

Gusto ko talagang magsulat.

Alam mo iyong tipong pag nagsusulat ka ay dinadala ka sa ibang mundong may iba’t ibang dyanra. Maraming pagdadalhan iyong imahinasyon mo. Sa pagsusulat, marami akong pintong nabubuksan. Sa pagsusulat, libo-libong emosyon iyong aking nararamdaman. Tuwing nagsusulat ako ng mga kwento o tula, pakiramdaman ko ay nagiging ibang tao ako. Nararamdaman kong buhay ang mga karakter na sinusulat ko. Para bang makikita mo agad iyon sa ekspresyon sa mukha ko. Tatawa ako bigla kasi masaya na, minsan ay maiinis kasi nasa parte na ng pagmamaldita ang karakter, at minsan papatak na lang ang luha sa aking mata sa tuwing drama na ang usapan.

Nagsimula akong magsulat noong bata pa lang ako. Ibig kong sabihin ay magsulat ng mga kwento. Naimpluwensyahan kasi ako ng aking kaibigan na nagsusulat rin at mahilig magdrawing. Mula sa aking imahinasyon ay unti-unting lumabas ang mga sulat sa isang papel. Hanggang ito’y naging isang talata, nakabuo ng isang yugto at nakatapos ng mangilan-ngilan.

Iba. Kakaiba ang pakiramdam ng nagsusulat ka ng mga kwento. Pakiramdam mo ay sa iyo lang ang mundo.

Novel, prose, Uncategorized

Untitled, 001

“Kailan ang kasalan?”

“hmm, pinagiisipan pa naming dalawa ni Paul. Pero, I think, it’ll be soon, knowing how great Paul at planning and decision making.” Sabay ngiti ko kay Ella.



Ikakasal na ako sa wakas. Hindi ko akalaing darating ako sa puntong makakapagsuot na rin ako ng isang wedding gown at ikakasal sa taong mahal ko. Akala ko kasi hindi ko na siya matatagpuan.

Worth the wait ika nga.


Si Ella ang siyang una kong sinasabihan ng lahat na tungkol sa akin. Sa una kong break up, sa una kong boyfriend, pag may away sa family, noong na-promote ako, noong namura ako ng employer ko, noong namatay ang alaga kong aso.

Siya rin ang kainuman ko sa lahat ng bagay lalo na pag may ayaan, yung light lang. Ganoon rin naman siya sa akin. Kumbaga exchange information kami. You may say, we’re best of friends. She’s one of my bestfriends, there’s Grace but we seldom see each other due to work and other circumstances.

“He’s really a good guy, ano? Buti naman at sa wakas, nakahanap ka na ng forever mo.” She laughed at the end.

“Sana nga forever na.”


Mabilis kumalat ang balita.

Matapos ang kwentuhan naming ni Ella, nalaman na rin ng mga officemates ko dahil sa engagement ring na suot ko. Well, masyado kasing pansinin, dahil—maganda.

Some congratulated me real quick. Nagsabi pang mag ninong, ninang sa magiging anak namin, some joked giving already the names of my future children. Some offered a quick help for the wedding kasi may mga connections sila na which is good. They’re very positive and looking forward to our union.


Nakwento ko nga ito kay Paul at ang saya niya. Ang saya ko rin.

Actually, we’re not officemates, we work in a different industries, sort of different.

“Am I not the lucky guy here?” He pinched my cheeks.

“I love you.”

“I love you, more.” Then he kissed my forehead, then my nose, and then to my lips.


Mabilis ngang kumalat ang balita.

After the congratulatory scenes, some of them, of course, congratulate me sa social media. Doble-dobleng congratulatory banner. Syempre, they also posted yung pa-party nila sa akin, small party lang naman na high-lighted yung engagement ring ko.

Some asked kung magkano raw ba yon, nagcomment na ang ganda-ganda raw, some congratulated me through comments.


Of course.


Mabilis talagang kumalat ang balita.



“Congrats *insert smiley face emoticon*”


Of all the notifications I received, both private message and not, this one got me.


“Kailan kasal?”

“hmm, pinagpaplanuhan na, I think, isasabay sa birthday ko. Birthday gift raw sa akin ni Paul.”

“Good. Good. Invited ba ako jan?”

“Of course! Ano ka ba?”

“Hahahaha. Joke lang. Kita nalang tayo pa may invitation na ako, ha?”


Then he went offline.


Mabilis kumalat ang balita.

Iyan na lamang ang nasabi ko sa sarili ko. Hindi naman sa ayaw kong ipamalitang ikakasal na ako, pero, hindi ko lang maisip kung ano kayang mararamdaman ng ibang nakakabasa?
“Ang cute natin dito sa pre-nup photos. Which one would you like to put in the invitation letter?” Paul asked me as he browses through the pictures on the laptop.

“kung pwede lang lahat ng iyan. But I think, I love this shot.” Tinuro ko iyong picture kung saan para sakin ibang iba yung tinginan naming dalawa ni Paul, parang may magic na nakapalibot sa amin.

“We’re both thinking the same.”


Yes. Dumaan ang mga araw at nakapagshoot na kami ng pre-nuptial photos. Nag prepare for the wedding at sa kung saan saan kami dinala and we ended up having lots of dates.

Nagawa na nga rin ang invitation letters. Syempre, personal kong inabot sa mga kaibigan at mga kakilala namin.


“ikaw na talaga, friend.” Sabi ni Ella habang tinitignan niya ang invitation.

“malapit na rin kami, akala mo ikaw lang, huh.” Pagmamayabang ni Lance.

“ganon? Ano ito sunod sa uso lang?” tanong ko.


Itong si Lance, mula noong nakilala ko ay natuwa na ako sa kanya. Kaya nga lang, kakaiba kung magmahal. Kung noong first heartbreak ko ay sobra akong napahagulgol, ibahin mo si Lance. Siya yung tipong sineseryoso ang lahat, tipong yung first heartbreak niya, biruin mo, inabutan namin sa kalsada.

Pero bilib ako sa lalaking yan. Sipag at tiyaga ang puhunan, pati sa pag-ibig.


“bakit? Kayo na ba noong nililigawan mo?” usyoso naman ni Ella. “pang ilang ligaw mo na ba iyan? O baka naman naligaw ka na, huh?”

“hahaha. Hindi naman. Wag kayong mag-alala, sure na ito.” Sabay ngiti niya sa amin. Iyong ngiting kay tagal ko ng hindi nakikita.

“Eh, by the way, personally mo bang ibibigay ang mga invitations? You want us to help para sa iba nating friends?” suggest ni Ella.

“oo nga. I know it’s hard on your part—I mean, busy ka ata.”

“no, no. I can handle it.” Sagot ko.

“really? So you mean—” tinignan ako ni Ella sa mata na wari mo may gusto pang ibang sabihin.

“you’ll hand this invitation to him personally? That’s nice of you.” Si Lance na yung nagtuloy ng sinasabi ni Ella.



Kasabay ng mabilis na pagkalat ng balita ay ang mabilis na paglipas ng panahon.

Last minute preparation nalang ang natitira bago ang kasalan at hindi na ko makapag-antay pa at alam kong ganoon rin si Paul. Malimit ko na lang rin siyang makita dahil may urgent project silang kailangang tapusin bago ang kasalan. Hindi naman hassle dahil maraming tumutulong sa amin.


“okay lang yan, atleast mamimiss mo ako ng sobra sobra sa linggo.” I chuckled.


Iyana ng sinabi niya sa akin noong huli niyang tawag sa akin.

Hindi ko pa rin naibibigay lahat ng invitation letter dahil sa twing makikipagkita ako sa kanila ay wala sila sa area o kaya’y busy. Mahirap na talagang hagilapan ang mga tao sa ganitong panahon.






Ano nga bang pakiramdam ng magkita muli kayo ng taong kaytagal mo ng hindi nakikita? Amusement? Shock? In love? Hindi siguro.


“Ang hirap hagilapin ng sched mo, ah.” Una niyang tanong pagkaupo ko.

“Oo eh, isang linggo nalang kasi.”

“Isang linggo na nga lang.”

“kamusta?” Nasabi ko rin.

“kamusta? Heto okay lang. Enjoy.”

“Sa tingin ko nga. Dami ko nababalitaan sa iyo, eh.”

“talaga? Hahaha. Masyado ba kong madaldal sa—”

“Oo.” Pabiro kong sabi. “Ikaw na talaga ang magaling. Congrats.”

“congrats din—ikakasal ka na.” napatingin ako sa kanya. “Dapat ikaw ang manlibre eh.”

“Sa linggo na. Heto pala yung invitation, oh. Bawal malate ha.”

“Ikaw nga itong laging late.” Sabi niya habang tinitignan ang invitation letter.


Paano mo malalaman kung ano ang nararamdaman ng isang tao habang tinitignan niya ang bahagi ng iyong buhay?

Hindi ko alam.

Gusto kong malaman.


Tinignan ko siya habang sinusuri niya ang invitation letter. Inaantay ang sasabihin niya. Inaantay kung ano ang gagawin niya.

Pero tiniklop niya lang ito, inipit sa maliit na notebook at ipinasok na sa loob ng kanyang bag.


“Sige, titignan ko kung makakapunta ako, ha.”

“bakit naman hindi ka sure?”

“Baka kasi may project kami niyan. I don’t know. Let’s see. Hahahahaha.”

“Linggong linggo, may project.” Napahigop nalang ako sa iniinom ko.



Sa paglipas ng panahon, hindi natin alam kung sino o ano yung dumadating sa buhay natin. Minsan nakakalimutan natin kung anong nangyari kahapon. Minsan, hindi natin alam kung dedepende tayo sa kasalukuyan. Madalas tayong tumingin sa malayo, tanawin ang hinaharap.


“Naalala mo ba dati, tayo tayo nalang yung nahuhuli sa klase. Andami nating ginagawa. Pero chill parin tayo.”

“Naalala mo yung mukha kang ewan kasi kung ano ano na pinagsasabi mo, eh wala namang nakakaintindi sa iyo.”

“Naalala mo yung ang lakas mo gumawa ng eksena, nakakahiya ka.”

“Oo, nakakahiya. Kalimutan na natin yon.”

“Eh, yung panahon na—may gusto ka sa akin?”


Sa tagal ng panahon, limitado na lang ang mga taong matatandaan mo. Sa haba ng panahon, iilan nalang ang maaalala mo. May masaya, may malungkot. May masasakit na ala-ala. May mga bagay na pilit mong kinakalimutan pero hindi mo magawa.


Napainom akong muli.


“hahaha. Oo. Ayoko ng maalala. Nakakahiya.”

“Kamusta naman si Paul—I mean, as a partner?”

“Paano ko ba sasagutin ang tanong mo? Hahaha. Syempre, sobrang saya. Buti nga’t dumating siya.”

“Naalala mo ba yung araw na nasira iyong favorite mong ponseras kasi nasabit sa pintuang sira?”

“huh? Wait, di ko maalala.”

“Yung tinawagan mo pa ang papa mo kasi bigay niya sa iyo iyon. Iyak ka ng iyak.”

“Ah.” Bigla kong naalala. “Nakakahiya kasi ikaw lang yung nandon tapos nakita mo pa kung paano ako umiyak. Ang pangit. Hahaha.”


Kung babalik ka sa nakaraan, ano iyong babalikan mo? Maari ba nating i-reset iyon? Mahirap. Minsan hindi natin alam kung ano yung mga bagay na dapat kalimutan at hindi dapat.

O, bakit kailangan pang ipapaalala sa iyo ang nakaraan gayong handa ka ng harapin ang kinabukasan mo.


Bago ako sumakay ng taxi pauwi ay nagpaalam siya sa akin.


“Sa linggo, ha.”

“Sige, asahan mo.” Nagkatinginan nalang kami ng matagal. Hindi namalayang naglapit na pala kaming dalawa at umakap sa isa’t isa.

“Thank you.” Sabi ko.


“Punta ka.”

“Thank you ha.”


Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero lahat ng kahapong nagdaan, bumalik ng mabilisan. “Kasi nagmahal ka kahit hindi naibalik. Nagmahal ka ng totoo.”


“Nakita mo ako.”


Iyon ang ikatlo at huling yakap na natanggap ko sa kanya. Una, noong 16th birthday niya. Ikawala noong first heartbreak ko (I mean, major heartbreak sa first boyfriend ko).


Kay bilis lumipas ng panahon.

Gaya ng balita, at mga pinagdaanan sa kahapon.




“You may kiss the bride.”


At narito na nga ang balita.

Masigabong palakpakan, kantyawan, mga nagsisiliparang kalapati, at may mga ngilan-ngilang umiyak. Ngayong linggo ay ikinasal ako kay Paul.

Maraming nagcongratulate. Mga naghatid ng kanya-kanyang messages. Sobrang naging masaya ang araw na ito hindi lang para sa akin, kung hindi para sa kanya rin.


Pero hindi siya dumating.


“Andaming nagregalo sa atin, Paul.”


Ilang minuto pagkatapos ng reception sa hotel ay umuwi na kami sa aming bahay. Nakasalampak ako sa sahig at isa isang binubuksan ang mga regalo habang si Paul ay nagliligpit ng gamit.


“May mga kitchenwares, sabon, kumot—at mga damit ng baby!”

“Mas excited pa sila sa atin, ah.” Napatawa talaga ako.


Pero sa gitna ng aking pagtawa, napahinto ako bigla.



“ah—wala naman.” Napatigil kasi ako sa pagtawa kaya napatanong siya sa akin.

“Punta lang akong kusina.”



Ano nga bang inaasahan ko?

Hindi man siya dumating pero may ibang dumating para sa kanya.


Of all the gifts wrapped here, this one got me.


Bakit? Bakit may mga bagay tayong hindi inaasahan? O, bakit may mga bagay tayong inaasahan pero hindi dumadating.

Sa isang maliit na box ay isang maliit na notebook. Iyong notebook na walang linya. Iyong notebook na pang doodle. Iyong notebook na parang nakita ko na. Iyong notebook na parang kaytagal ay sa akin napunta.

Iyong notebook na itinago ko pasikreto.

Isang papel na nakatiklop. May kalumaan. Madumi dahil sa mga pencil marks. Kaytagal na niya.

Isang bahagi ng mukha ko. May mga matang hindi tapos, labing nakaguhit lamang. Ilong na basic shaes pa ang nakaguhit.

Hindi tapos.

Hindi natapos. Walang pirma pero may tanda.


Ah. Bakit napakasarili ko?

Sa tagal ng panahon, naalala ko pa ba? Wala akong matandaang dumapo ako sa isip niya. Sa mga lapis na nakakalat sa lamesa.

Sa isang papel, may nakasulat.

Yung sagot sa tanong mo? Sa haba ng panahon, ngayon lang nasagot.

At muling madadagdagan ng tanong.


Tandang tanda ko.

Noong kausapin ako ni Lance tungkol sa lovelife niyang sawi. Tanda tanda ko kung paano niya ikumpara ang sa akin at sa kanya.


“Hindi ba kaya niya ginawa sa akin yon kasi may naramdaman rin siya sa akin?”

“siguro.” Sagot ko sa tanong niyang magulo.

“Oo. Kahit paano, may isang mutual understanding na nangyari. Alam ko yon. Naging ganoon rin naman kayo diba?”


I was left hanging. Bakit hindi ko ma-comprehend ang sinabi niya. Bakit alam niya. Bakit hindi ko alam. Bakit may mga katanungang hindi ko masagot?


Hindi ko alam kung para saan ang pag-iyak ko ngayon.

Sa isang papel na may hindi natapos na larawan, isang sagot sa milyong tanong ang nabigyan ng conclusion.


Nakaramdam ako ng pagyakap mula sa likod. Hinawi ko papalayo ang box na iyon at saka ko pinunasan ang luha ko.


“Kung ano man yang nararamdaman mo ay nararamdaman ko rin. I’m your husband and you are my wife now. Kung ano mang nagyari kahapon ay tapos na. May mga bagay na sadyang bumabalik sa mga gantong panahon pero tandaan mo na—ikaw lang at ako, kahit anong mangyari, tatanggapin kita ng buong buo.”


I faced him then hugged him tightly. Gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. Ibang iba talaga pag kilala mo na kung kanino mo paglalaanan ang pagmamahal mo.



Nasagot na nga ang mga tanong ko. Wala ng magulo sa isipan ko. Tama.


Siya ang sumagot sa lahat ng katanungan ko.

article, Personal, Uncategorized

Hanggang Dito Na Lang

Akala ko ba wala na? Pero bakit tila bumabalik ka sa inakalang walang hanggan?

Sa bawat pagtawag mo sa pangalan ko, hindi ko alam kung ano ang ihaharap ko sa iyo. Masaya ba? Malungkot? Galit? Maiinis? O simple at walang emosyon na ako? sa pagtawag mo sa pangalan ko, halo-halo ang nararamdaman ko na kahit ayaw ko ng beans o kaong ay siyang nakakain ko. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses na akong nabilaukan ng dahil sa iyo. Para kang tinik na hindi ko matanggal sa aking lalamunan.

Sa bawat sandaling tayong dalawa lang ang nakakaalam ng mga bagay bagay ay hindi ko maintindihan ang mga nangyayari sa paligid. May mga bagay na kahit alien ang iyong sinasabi ay pumapasok na lamang ito sa aking isipan. Pilit ko mang ilabas sa aking kabilang tenga ay hindi ko na magawa. Para kang tutuli na hindi ko magawang maalis at tuluyan ng bumara.

Sa bawat paglapit mo ay dadampi ang iyong balat sa aking balat. Para tayong two of the same poles na hindi pwedeng magdikit at walang paraan para magdikit. Bigla kang mawawala. Hahanapin naman kita. Bigla kang magpapakita, alam ko na agad na ikaw iyon. Para kang pabango na panandalian lang kakapit sa damit at kalaunan ay mawawala.

Sa bawat pagkita ko sa iyo ng hindi ko inaasahan ay kakabog ang aking dibdib. Bibilis ang pagtibok at kalauna’y kakalma ang sarili. Hindi ko malaman kung paano ang aking composure sa twing tayo ay nagkakasama. Titignan kita sa mata ngunit babalikwas rin sa iba. Nahihiya, tumitiklop sa una at pagkaraan ay makakakita ng dahilan para masulyapan ka pa ng matagalan. Para kang isang painting na may iba’t ibang technique o style. Sa mata ko’y isa kang painting na mamahalin, malalim ang kahulugan at hindi madaling maintindihan.

Saan na naman kaya ako dadalhin ng aking mga paa? Sa bawat pagsambit na ayoko na ay dumadating ka.

Nakaraa’y naibaon ko na. Wala ng bara ang aking tenga. Wala ng kaong at beans ang halo-halo ko sa tuwina. Wala na rin ang tinik na siyang nagpapahirap sa aking pagkain sa umaga. Nabili na rin ang painting na napakaganda. Pero ngayon ay bumabalik ka na naman.

Hanggang dito na lang. Hindi na ako uulit pa. Ayoko na ng halo-halong may beans at kaong. Gusto ko ng luminis ang aking tenga. Ayoko ng may nakabara sa aking lalamunan. Ayoko ng tumingin pa sa painting na mamahalin at kay ganda. Sa bawat pag sabi ko nito ay kakatok ka sa aking pintuang may awang at hindi nakasara ng tuluyan. Nandiyan ka na naman. Tatawagin mo ang aking pangalan. Bibigyan mo ako ngiti mong kay ganda. Paparinggan mo na naman ako ng musikang hindi ko na nais marinig pa. Ipapakita mo na naman ang sa akin ang sarili mong hindi ko matanggihan.

Sa bawat pagsabi ko ng ayoko na ay darating ka. Nananadya ka ba? Hindi ko na kasi maintindihan itong halo-halong nararamdaman ko para sa iyo. Gusto na kitang iwasan pero makikita ko ang sarili ko sa tabi mo. Gusto na kitang alisin sa isip ko pero maya maya lang ay kausap na kita. Gustong gusto ko ng ipagsigawang mahal kita at ayaw ko na sa iyo pero nandito pa rin ako sa dulo ng walang hanggan. Ayoko ng abutin ang mga kamay mo pero ikaw itong inilalahad ang mga palad mo. Tila ay ayaw ako lubayan ng mga bakas na nagsisilbing ikaw.

Tinanggap ko na sa aking sarili na hindi tayo pwede sa isa’t isa. Ikaw ang gusto ko pero may gusto ka sa kanya. Ang hirap ng sitwasyong kinalalagyan nating dalawa. Magulo. Mahirap i-comprehend. Ayaw mo sa mga bagay na magulo. Ayaw mo sa mga bagay na hatid ay kalungkutan at masamang ala-ala. Sa madaling salita, ayaw mo sa mga ‘negative vibes’. Bakit ba kasi tayo pinagtagpo pero hindi naman tayo itinadhana sa isa’t isa?

Hanggang dito na lang ba talaga? Gusto ko ng matapos ito at kailangan kong umalis na. Iisa-isahin ko ang mga ala-ala mo sa akin ay nakatanim. Uunti-untiin ko ang bawat sandaling naging masaya ako sa iyong piling ng sagayon ay hindi ako masaktan ng labis labis. Itatago ko na ang mga bawat bakas ng ‘ikaw’. Mga nakaw na sandali at mga bagay na hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nariyan ka pa.

Ayoko ng gumawa pa ng pagkukwentuhan nating dalawa na sa huli ay biglaang matatapos rin pala.

Ayoko ng sumagot sa mga pagtawag mo sa akin. Ayoko ng sagutin ang bawat tanong at pagtawag mo sa akin.

Ayoko ng maghintay sa bawat sandaling ikaw na lang ang naiiwan at sa huli ay ako rin pala ang maiiwan.

Ayoko ng sumalo sa mga binibitawan mong oras at salita kung wala ka rin namang ilalaan para sa akin.

Ayoko ng tumabi sa mga malalamig mong  pagtingin na kahit ang kakarampot na espasyo sa pagitan nating dalawa ay nabibingi sa tahimik nating dalawa.

Ayoko ng makasama ka na sa bawat bagay na gusto kong gawin ay nariyan ka.

Ayoko ng marinig ang boses mong naging himig ko sa umaga, tanghali at gabi kung sa pagtulog ko ay luluha lang rin pala ako.

Isa kang tinik sa aking lalamunan. Isa kang kaong at beans sa aking halo-halo. Isa kang tutuli. Isa kang pabangong hindi nagtatagal.

Pero ikaw ang painting na mamahalin, malalim ang kahulugan at hindi madaling maintindihan.

prose, Uncategorized

Sun and Moon

You were like the sunlight and thy moon. You shed light, warm, and cold. It wrapped the soulless body. Then, beyond, blessed by the sky and thy earth.

You were the sun. You shined every time I see you. It was the brightest smile. From the tip of your lips to the end of your ears was the brightest. It was like the sun that lit through the in between of my fingers. My soulless body became full. When you speak becomes the music to my ears. There was rhythm, melody, and tune. It was so beautiful.

You were the moon. You lit each night with the stars above the sky. Whenever I am alone, you will show the brightest you. It was like I am sleeping in a rainbow of dreams. Then I will fall asleep thinking about you. I will fall deep into the arms of your light and shadow. The cold breeze at night will envelop my soulless body. It will give cold yet I feel warm inside.