How Does the World Treat You So Far?

How does the world treat you so far?
Am I doing my best?
Am I stuck in the moment?
Or am I moving forward?
A thought just appeared on my head.
Am I getting late?
Am I bearing the consequences?
Or am I just walking without any direction?
The hardest part in trying is being left alone.
One would stand, two will fall.
Count three to four, you still lose it all.
Am I getting near?
Or am I getting lost?
Nothing seems to be working at my pace.
The more I think, the more anxious I am.
The days are near, but dreams seem too unreachable.
Am I being afraid?
Am I being too scared?
Or am I just losing my confidence?
The world will never treat you fair.
How scary our world is?
I don't really know.
You just gotta find a blooming flower in the midst of withering plants.
Look out for birds singing in the middle of a busy city.
Am I going to find it?
Or am I just gonna wander?
When it's hard,
When it's heavy,
When it's being difficult,
When the world seems unfair,
I just need to close my eyes and find myself.
Gather up the courage.
It's not bad to start again.
There's nothing wrong in going left.
I don't have to answer all the questions.
It's always been unfair from the start.
I just gotta seize the moment when it's right in my hand.
Be anxious.
Be afraid.
But never lose yourself.

The Echoes

My poetry Leaving and Painless Death were posted in two different timelines but the two are connected. When I wrote Painless Death, I though of my next poem, Leaving. It was in my draft and I decided to publish it just now.

I remember the time I wrote these entries. As I told everyone on the peak of my birthday, second of September, the year 2019 and 2020 is a transitional year for me as I am looking for a better place but I end up being in a more harsh world I never imagined I could be.

I left the job I like because of three reasons, first is to find a better place where my skills can be honed and nurtured more; the second is to have more value and feel better because I didn’t felt that in my first job; the third reason is to move on from all this drama. But I only found a place where my anxieties are growing and I feel like I came to the point where I feel so depressed because of how the people around me treat me so differently. I feel like I am about to lose myself. I felt discouraged and questioned. My self-esteem had been dropped in an instant. I felt trash. I felt like I had no one on my side.

Every night, I cry to the feeling of loneliness and sadness. I would stare blankly to a space in my dormitory and think of how could I get out of this situation. There was a time when I woke up in the middle of the night only to find myself alone in the kitchen room crying to my heart’s content. I didn’t care about the CCTV in that room. All I did was to cry and cry until the last thing I could ever think of was to go home where my family is. It was around 12 am and I packed my belongings with my hands trembling and my heart beating so fast. I couldn’t care if that night will be the last of mine. All I needed was a safe place I can sleep soundly.

That night, I went home and my mom welcomed me. My tears started to fall and she knew something was wrong.

Thinking back then and writing this now, I still feel hurt. I still feel like crying. It was never an easy route to escape. I decided to let go and face my reality that that job is not meant for me. It was a lesson. A very hard to take.

I just think of it as something that God would let me experience in order for me to learn. Something that makes me a better person. Something that will strengthen me. And as of now, I am now healing. Maybe because the present is a better place unlike before. Amidst of this pandemic, I found comfort and safety in a new place meeting new people. And I hope, I will be able to forgive all the people who have caused me pain and eventually the feeling of pain. I hope the day will come where I can look back to this old story as just a memory without feeling hurt or sad anymore.

Pasted the link of prose and poetry that were mentioned above.

LEAVING – https://theparadoxofhappiness.wordpress.com/2020/10/03/leaving/

PAINLESS DEATH – https://theparadoxofhappiness.wordpress.com/2020/01/03/painless-death/

Leaving

I wonder what’s the feeling of leaving behind
Everything that weighs you on
It’s tiring to hear people say ‘you can do it’
When they don’t really understand what’s going on
It’s easy to encourage
It’s easy to let your mind off of the road
It’s easy to say
When it’s not about you
No, honey, we’re not being immature
We also want to be lifted
To be free
To stop being frustrated
At something you think that’s not worth bothering
And to think that all has been flooded with positive quotes

But none of it can deal with the cost
No, honey, we’re not having an overreaction
It’s a feeling we just couldn’t stop
A feeling of burden
A feeling of frustrations
A feeling that we want to ignore
I have nothing against people who try to share their story
But have you really listened to our story?
It’s easy to be sympathetic
But have you tried to be empathetic?
No, honey, we don’t hate you
We truly understand your intentions
We truly want to understand your actions
But it takes a lot to digest every single word you utter
There’s a toll in our heart
And it aches how much we want to be you
But the thing is, anxiety is not that easy
It’s not a simple feeling
It’s hard to understand
It’s hard to decipher
And we really feel bad about it
It’s a real burden to explain every single emotion
When you feel empty yourself
And you just want to give up from the thought of it
No, honey, it will never be easy
Just because you tried to fit our shoe means you understand all
If you haven’t walk with it
Or try to run with it
Or stand between its heels
Then you just assumed you know everything
No, honey, I am not mad
I can never be mad to someone who’s trying
And I’m trying myself
There are times that we laugh so hard we could die
From watching a movie or tripping from a stupid rock
We have days where we feel so light
And we want to love it from the deepest of our heart
But when it strikes
And it strikes so deep in our mind
We just couldn’t bear and fathom the situation
It hurts hell
That no simple band aid can cover the wound
The healing and the process
That’s so much to intake
But we’re still trying
To fit and work everyday
To wake up each day
And to have a nice talk with you, my friend.

What’s the feeling of leaving everything behind?
Can we be free at all?
Can we smile like before?
Can we finally empty our mind and soul?
I hate it, honey
When we want to sleep but hunger strikes too deep
And we just want to eat so bad
But we can’t digest everything because we’re sad
Tonight, I’ll just close my eyes and listen
To my own gasp and careful snivel
As everyone says, tomorrow is a new day
But the day will never be new
To someone who call it quits to the moon.